Hey everyone… I know it’s been a while since I have last written… That could be a few different things as to why. Life has been you know.. kind of crap with the pandemic over here in England…
Even though every day not much seems to change… things tend to change… slowly… slow enough until you don’t see the change happen.. and then one day you just realize there has been change.
I know I started this year off ill… from the things that happened with my chronic illness last year. I tried my best to get better and get healthy. I tried my best to be all that I could for you.
I tried to be your friend. I tried to give you a safe place to hang out and relax and to escape from the rest of the world. I let this place be where you could just be free and be yourself. Where you didn’t have to worry about how bad everyone was treating you out there. I just wanted to know that you all matter so much to me.
You all mean the world to me for showing up and being so positive and supportive. I know most people met me while I played CODM which was a huge part of my life last year. It brought so many wonderful people to my life and so many people got to meet others who shared the love for the same game.
I remember my Saturday mornings I would go to the gym and then play CODM in the morning until Panda woke up. And then I had a weird idea and thought I wonder if I can actually stream a mobile game.. I had streamed xbox, switch and pc games up until that point. So I did some research to find ways to stream the mobile games. And it was one of the best decisions that I had probably for the entire of last year….
I know when I got sick last year and I left my job that I had a lot of people who said they would be there for me disappeared. This was really hard on me emotionally. I know I don’t really talk about it much to anyone, I just try to get on with things. I had become close to quiet a few people and then all of the sudden they vanished.. It was like I was going through a lot… I needed a break to clear my head.. and poof.. they were out of my life, my community’s life… and it was like are time together didn’t matter and almost like it was a dream.
Streaming is very split with if it can be easy or it can be hard. It depends what streamers are looking to get out of it. Are they looking to meet new people, are they looking to have fun, do they just want to play games with people who enjoy them that they don’t know anyone who else likes those games… Are they just doing it to try to make a quick buck, are they genuine, open and honest with their communities, or are they toxic and mean and think that it is cool to be a toxic person. Where does the value lie / lye on where and how you put yourself out to the world to show who you are and what levels you want to connect on with them.
Streaming can also be very tricky because there are a lot of bad people out there. There are people that try to use you to get hype for themselves. They don’t actually care for you but are only there when you are doing well and can associate with you. Some act like your friend and say they want to help then try to charge you for them trying to help. Some will be nice to you in your streams then message people badly in whispers about yourself…
People will cast a lot of judgement on you.. and a lot of these people aren’t the ones that are putting themselves out there. They are usually a viewer and not someone who streams. Which leads me back to the bit before about how streaming can be easy or it can be hard.
There are some streamers that just stream and don’t really care too much emotionally and then there are the opposites. There are ones that just play a game and don’t care about anything else. The person isn’t too bothered. And then there are some people who like to have a lot of fun and do so many different things for their communities..
There are people who stream who are always trying to bring a better experience to their communities. Change their streaming set ups to bring the best quality visuals and sound. Come up with different layouts that can be more appealing to look at and not too confusing on the eyes. Update their emojis so they are more about how the community has grown. Just a bunch of little things that make something even more wonderful.
I think something many don’t know about streaming is how taxing it can be on your body. Yes, it is playing games, but to keep up with your chat all the time while playing a game can take a lot of effort. It can also be hard to plan events with other streamers. Schedules can be very tricky and sometimes people can’t always be dependable as well. Then you have people that ask you to play a game all the time and when you decide to play that game then they don’t show. It can be a bit frustrating as you try to rotate things in but in the end you can’t please everyone. You can only be yourself. And when you feeling like you are giving so much of yourself away all the time sometimes you just feel like curling up into a little ball to recharge! ^_^
When I started streaming, I didn’t know anything about it. It was people watching people play video games. But then you get to know the people who come to watch you play and sometimes they join in. And you get to learn so many wonderful things about those people and things about life and other things. Sometimes I am surprised about some of the conversations I’ve had with my community on and off stream. There are so many topics of interest and it is nice to see how open-minded people are. Especially when I didn’t grow up around too many open-minded people. So that has really inspired me to learn more.
I’ve taken streaming on as a journey to see where it would lead me. I feel like I am better because I have done it. It wasn’t something that up until a few years ago I didn’t know it existed. And I tried it and I tried it… and I tried it again.. lol and… again! hahahahahahaha Don’t worry, I wasn’t delusional and thinking oh I am a female streamer I will make millions and get loads of sponsors. I know that stuff is hard work and those people have a lot of connections. But to be able to be myself and have fun with cool people… I think that has been everything.
My twitch life has literally been my family. Especially over this last year. They have been there in support of me for my streams, emotionally, sometimes financially, and can I just say THANK YOU! Thanks for showing up, thanks for having patience with me. Thanks for sharing your stories with me. Thanks for talking about things in life, life school and hospital appointments, and broken bones, lockdown, travel, food, etc!!! It’s been nice to know that no matter what the topic is there is always someone out there with an understanding.
It has been very hard for me to be in England during this pandemic. I haven’t seen my family in 2 years. And I know a lot of people had a hard time to not see their family here for a few weeks or months and were breaking lockdown and meeting up. And for me I just felt like suck it up like the rest of the foreigners here.
Maybe I should just take a break on this… I couldn’t sleep. And I wanted to write about how my health has been going with streaming. So i figure it would be a bit fun… or who knows what to just express myself on what has been going on. And how I thought life and streaming was going.
Then this post got shut down.
Anyways I know I enjoy playing games. It can be a nice escape from everything going on in the world right now. And having someone to play a game you enjoy with is always a blessing.
#twitchishard You give up your free time to play games and meet new people. Streamers have different goals from each other. Some want to have x amount of viewers and deals from sponsors. And others just want to have fun and play games. It’s a fun journey learning how to put everything together to do a stream. It’s always interesting to see how things break and go wrong on stream and how to cope with it. Sometimes you end the stream and come back another day, sometimes you end and get back on in 10min and other times you just ignore whatever is broken and just keep going. It can be confusing because if everything worked the day before then the next day something isn’t working it is a bit confusing because nothing has changed so why has something decided not to work.
#twitshishard also because you come into contact with some many different people form all over the world. People with different backgrounds and upbringings. People that are perfectly happy in their lives and people that are going through a lot of complicated things. You never know what someone will say to you when you are gaming. People will literally say anything. It could be that you are bad at the game, it could be racist comments, it could be rage or it could be something kind like nice try or GGs.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what you are signing up for when you decide to become a streamer. You think you are just going to play games with cool people. But it isn’t always like that. There are a lot of people who will do everything to test you and break you down. People all have different agendas and you don’t always know why someone is coming to your stream. And people can be super challenging as well. We don’t have the training to go into how to deal with all of this. It’s just stuff we have to learn as we go. But when we start to see patterns of behavior coming into streams it starts to get better with knowing this person is going to need to time out or get a ban. It can also be really annoying and inconsiderate when chat tells streamers what to do. Like dude, just stream yourself if you want to be telling someone how to run their stream. Go do it for yourself. Respect how the streamer runs their stream.
There are people out there that try to scam streamers. There are people who beg for money or battle passes, etc. A lot of people only show up to see what they can get from a streamer. When it isn’t about what you can get from them like money, or in game loot. It’s about enjoying and loving the same game. And teaching each other about the game and finding new ways to enjoy it.
Also, you shouldn’t beg streamers to be mods. This is not cool and makes you look bad. Some streamers don’t even want mods and you are putting extra pressure on them. Also, bragging about being a mod for a streamer isn’t cool as well. It makes people lose respect for you because you are just trying to get yourself hype. Streamers have to learn to choose their mods. Some mods get mad at you if you make someone VIP. Some mods message people not to donate to your stream. You never know who has your best interest at mind. You give a lot of yourself to be a streamer and some people become mods to abuse that power.
Me personally I usually look for people who are very involved in my community to be a mod. They are a regular on the stream, they are positive towards the stream and to other viewers. I did once make someone a mod so that they would stop asking. About less than a week later I believe I took it away from them. Maybe I should of never made the person a mod but I learned my lesson the hard way. I was asked by others to make my mod standards harder. Which I did for a while. If you have two viewers, once that comes every once in a while over a month and someone else that comes in and is active for every single stream and is positive. I would choose the positive person over the person that hardly comes. And for that person to be upset about not being a mod when they never even voices about wanting to be a mod as well. I mean there are some things for twitch chat and there are some things for whispers. Having a fight in twitch chat about not being a mod isn’t helping your case to become a mod for a streamer as well. And just because you are mod it does not mean it is permanent. If you start abusing your power and being disruptive and disrespectful then you will be cut loose.
There’s a lot of drama that goes on in streaming to. Streamers just want to have fun and play games. And a lot of times the community likes to take it amongst themselves to stir up some drama amongst communities and streamers. Why do people do this type of thing? I don’t know! Maybe the person is bored or lonely or maybe they just have it in their heart to be a jerk because that’s how miserable that person feels and wants others to feel that way too.
Over the past 2 years of streaming I have had good things and bad things happen. I am thankful for both because they have both taught me to be a better person. One of the problems with being nice is that people are constantly testing your boundaries to see what they can get away with. This can get really frustrating and tiring to deal with on a regular basis. Which is why at any indications of certain behaviors people just start getting banned from going into those streamers chats. Streaming can be very emotional. There are a lot of ups and downs that happen so fast with not only the game you are playing, but also with what is going on in your chat. You might be happy that you just won a game but before you get to celebrate something happens in your chat that completely ruins it and kills the mood. Do you really want to be that person that ruins it for everyone? Nobody wants to be around that or associate with it!
At the end of the day please remember that streamers are people to. Everyone is going through stuff in their lives outside of the stream as well. Sometimes streamers have bad days and decide to stream because it make it better but sometimes it backfires and makes everything worse. Sometimes any comment in the chat can just trigger the streamer because they just want to be able to relax and enjoy themselves with friends but constantly criticizing them can be annoying and overstepping at times. If the streamer you are watching is in a good mood I’m sure they will let more things fly than when they are having a bad day and just trying to keep it together.
I think sometimes people forget that it can be extremely hard for a streamer to get on sometimes and go live. There have been plenty of times where I got my stream ready and just stared at it and cried and just exited out of it. Sometimes I have every intention of going live and having the best stream ever and then sometimes things happen in chat they make me think why do I even bother. You don’t always know what to expect and if to go live and just get bullied the whole time is depressing and a put off. Sometimes it’s nice if people can just chill and enjoy watching the game without having to throw their 2 cents in all the time. Especially for female streamers, we have a lot more judgement that happens then males. Everyone wants to know where our cameras are, and they only want to see us looking our best with full on makeup and a nice outfit. If someone doesn’t want to use their camera a few times that normally uses it you don’t need to make a comment about it. You don’t have to ask if it broke etc. Just accept that this is the best that they can do that day to be there with their community.
I love streaming and I know I have made myself more available more than many other streamers. I know a lot of people only have certain social medias and not all of them. The more places I can be the more people that have access if they need me for something. I’ve had subs to bigger streamers and in their discords people ask them stuff all the time and they ignore everything. They don’t bother engaging with their communities at all. I have met streamers who have a sibling edit all their content and do their social medias for them. And there are no engagements in the comment sections. Which I have always frowned upon this. I know there have been quite a few of you that I have talked to in the DMs and whispers about very serious situations. I’ve tried to be there for you and offer my advice and support and care and let you know you aren’t a lone through it. But I believe there is only so much of myself that I can give. And I feel like I have given a lot more of myself than other people out there. And I think when I am so accessible that people aren’t always respectful of my time that I create to put aside for them. It’s best to give people a heads up and not cancel last moment and be flakey. If you want to do something else it’s fine but to wait until the last moment and then say you got something better to do is a bit rude and selfish. Just try to communicate better about things. It helps you to have more respect for yourself in the long run.
It’s a bit weird taking a break from streaming. I love streaming and playing games with you! I love the fun times and the jokes and the memories. I love working as a team to become better and seeing that me or you improve. That is all wonderful stuff. But I feel I have given so much of myself that I just need to see where I stand and what I expect. I know I need to not take it so personally anymore. I guess sometimes you can be too passionate about things and it hurts you in the end. So I will work on being less passionate. I will still care but I will try to care a little less. I will distance myself more so I don’t work myself up about being disappointed. I have enough crap on my own without taking in all the crap of the rest of the world. Which is probably what’s been weighing me down and making me more sad and upset. So it’s only fair that for my own health and safety I try to limit it. I want to remain the funny happy fuzzy that you all met and I don’t want to be this miserable person anymore. But it starts with me.