This year I decided I would become a toxic person. Last year I dealt with so many toxic people that this year I decided to join the club! I wanted to see how it would make me feel to be a mean snotty person.
At first I would feel guilty about loads of things. Things I would say or how I would ignore certain people and act if I didn’t know they were speaking to me. I mean it is kind of like a human experiment that I was doing.
The positive bit for me for becoming toxic is I didn’t waste my time as much as when I wasn’t toxic. When I was genuine and super caring loads of people would go out of their way to make me feel like crap or just use me. So with not being as nice and easy going I didn’t have any of that to worry about. And that has actually been extremely good for me!
I’ve been able to just say what I want without caring if it would even offend the other person. Because so many people would just treat me like shit and not care how it would make me feel when they did it to me. It got easy to have have any feelings about the words once they left my mouth. I could walk down the street and call people Cunts and not give two fucks about it. I’ve had that happen to me so many times here but it seems to be a common word people in London just go to.
I used to feel really bad for Londoners. They don’t have many friends and the ones they have it is because they usually do drugs together to feel better about their lives that they are so ungrateful for in the fist place. The rest of the people that have friends are from school days. And everyone knows that office friends are fake and you can’t trust them. They will do anything to throw you under a bus to get away with it.
The biggest problem that I had was because I was actually nice to people yes you know even males. Men thought I liked them because I wasn’t a bitch. They would always start falling for me when I would just be normally myself. But now I understand why because people over here don’t give anyone the time of day and are so rude. So I guess me not being rude and taken the time to get to know someone would flag up as different to someone always getting treated like shit. I try not to even make eye contact with people at the gym anymore. There are some people I say hi to but most of all I just don’t bother. I go to the gym keep my head down do my routine and get out. Before I would acknowledge people and talk to them because that’s what a good person would do. If you see someone you recognize you aren’t supposed to act like that person doesn’t exist.
But for some people that didn’t know I made this change and they didn’t confront me they did talk behind me back. But if they talked to me I wouldn’t be a bitch to them. But I did stop going out of my way of making the effort. Yes, my time is important and so is your time. But people in the gym do weird shit to waste other peoples time. Like they sit on a station on their phone for over 10 minutes while someone could have did their workout on it. And if you ask them to use it they say no I am using it, yes with your lazy ass texting someone that doesn’t even like you. Stand up and text the person and let people have your station.
I started to just walk up and use people’s stations when they were having breaks from them. Especially when I notice they aren’t even focused and their breaks take longer than what I can do my workout in. Some people get mad but they understand that we can switch in-between goes. It slowly clicks for some of them.
Every time a driver tries to run me over when I am in the middle of a crosswalk I will now flip them the bird and cuss at them. I would not have done that before. I would have said I was sorry even though they were in the wrong. But these people are too scared to get out of their car and fight. A lot of them almost run me over because they are actually on their phones and not looking at the road. And even in rush hour they try to run you down when there is nowhere for them to go. So you can literally just stand their shouting at them in-front of other drivers and make them feel more embarrassed and like a piece of shit.
What I do believe is whatever energy state you are in either negative or positive you can transfer that to the people around you. Don’t get me wrong I was listening to my music on my way to the gym minding my own business. And then a man grabbed me and I was like WTF but then I noticed it was someone I knew very well from the gym. So I took off my headphones and talked to them and said sorry. Normally I would probably be the first to recognize them and say hello. But because I only try to get to the gym as fast as I can now walking around all the lost tourists stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. If I see an older person looking at me I still smile at them and they always smile back. I never know how much contact they have with people anymore.
But I mean I haven’t become super toxic. Especially not compared to the people I’ve been around that are. I don’t even compare to their level. Just made a few slight changes to see how it changes my life and the lives of others around me. It has been more about me not wasting my time on people that never even met me half way to begin with. Some people have already had all these walls from earlier years. But me, it took my longer, and that’s okay.
I love the fact that I am not being used anymore. Nobody is asking to hang out with me for me to buy them food or buy them stuff at the mall. I’ve always been a giver because I want people to be happy and I know life is hard. But I had to think what those people have done for me in return. Even my hubby always so I do way too much for people that don’t deserve it. I am finally understanding everything he has meant by that.