I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak


Stansted Airport Review – Avoid. Do not use this airport!

I finally have the strength to share my experience. I wrote it when it happened end of last year but was not brave enough to share it. But here it is.

I had the absolute worse experience of my life today. I have a serious medical condition called inflammatory bowel disease. I did not get much sleep as had an early flight. One of the unfortunate symptoms of my disease is explosive diarrhea which I experienced in the toilet before security. When I went through security the gems on my jeans set off the detector. The person checking me was pressing her hand into my side very hard where my colon has inflammation to which I tried numerous times to explain to her not to touch so hard in places where my disease affects my body but I was so scares and feared for my life I couldn’t get the words out. She ignored me and talked over me. It was extremely painful due to her being ignorant, unprofessional and extremely rough. She then touched all over my breasts when it was my jeans that set off the alarm. When I tried to ask her why she touched my boobs when my jeans set off the machine she said she had the job for 14 years and knew what she was doing. She was hurting me physically during the pat-down, verbally by talking over me and not trying to explain what was going on, and has emotionally hurt me very bad. I cried or the next 2 hours because I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable with this process because of my medical condition. I wasn’t offered anyone else when the lady could tell I felt extremely uncomfortable. I feel she hurt me on purpose as she knows she can get away with it as she is a person in power in this situation. She has caused me severe pain and suffering. I pray this will never happen to anyone again with inflammatory bowel disease or they can have an accident. She is lucky I had just gone to the toilet or I would have been soaked in diarrhea because she was very rough. If she has 14 years experience she should be calm and explain things better. I never want to fly from this airport ever again. My holiday that was supposed to be fun has now been ruined and I keep getting pain on my side from where she was trying to push me to the side. I have worn these jeans countless times at numerous airports with no problems at all. I believe the staff member who performed the search is highly insensitive, incompetent and needs a serious review of her actions. I understand that certain security measures are in place which I always do what I can to accommodate however the woman who performed the search on me totally abused her position of power in this situation which resulted in me being hurt physically, emotionally and ruined what was to be a happy holiday. I was so upset that I even forgot my hat which has great sentimental value to me in the terminal because I was in some much shock and emotional distress which I left on a seat before I went to my gate. There is no type of compensation or resolution that can healed the damage that has been caused by this one member of staff of yours. And I will try not to book any of my travel arrangements through this airport ever again.

The airport basically said they person did their job correctly (even though they caused me lots of pain and squeezed me extremely hard.) And they said I complied with her but if I didn’t I wasn’t going to get to fly and go on my trip so I was forced to (I was screaming inside for help as I felt so unsafe and uncomfortable and taken advantage of). I just thought they would have been more empathetic towards me and they weren’t. Even other staff members said it was the worst airport ever.

I just hope nobody has an experience like this. I still suffer from flashbacks.

On the other note since this I have flown quite a bit through other airports and when patted down it was light pats. No squeezing of the breasts or buts and no moving them in circles. So I clearly don’t think my experience at Stansted followed the guidelines. The also didn’t even help me out with my hat either. Every chance they had they made my situation worse.

I had a breakdown and that’s okay.

The other week I had a HUGE BREAKDOWN!!!! And that’s okay!

Sometimes everything just builds up and you break. My friend’s dad passed away, I don’t have my passport back from the border agency, so not like I could go to the service, I was sick, got my period in the middle of a gym class, and couldn’t bare the thought of getting through a day at work, if I was going to be nagged and ridiculed. I seriously felt super shitty. And I broke.

But these things can happen, and of course they do to me. I was on my way out as I clearly needed a sick day to recover from everything. But on my way out I bumped into people who actually cared for me and what I was going through. We didn’t talk about everything, but they reminded me that I am strong, a hard worker and upbeat. I don’t keep my head down and ignore everything, I put myself in the middle of everything and try to make sure everyone has a better day.

This was really kind to have people do this for me. It was nice for them to say they break down too and life can be hard, frustrating, and messed up. And it is nice to know I am not alone and other people are going through shit in their own way, well I mean it sucks that they are but it is nice to know I/we can get through it together.

I ended up staying that day. When I didn’t think I would be able to. These people that took the time, it was so kind and brave of them. I am really happy that I know a few good eggs on this planet. And I am so happy I have people that build me up when I feel like shit hits the fan. Sometimes you just have to cry things out, and if you haven’t done this in a long time, next time it happens it is going to swallow you in like a black hole. And that’s okay. Cry it out and get back out there.

I am thankful for the support I have. It felt nice to not feel like I was taking on the world by myself. I am really happy that these people shared their time with me to help me. Sometimes all you have to do is listen, or give a hug, or tell someone you are enough. It can literally change the situation around.

Has anyone done anything for you that has majorly helped you?