I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

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My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak

 

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I got bullied.

The question I’ve been getting asked a lot since I started streaming was if I got bullied. Growing up a I got bullied a lot!

I got bullied at school every day. So many times where I would end up cutting myself to see if I could feel any pain. I didn’t really care if I died as I didn’t have to walk into a school where it would be hell for me everyday.

It wasn’t just the students that bullied me but the teachers too. When I was in 7th grade a teacher was being mean to me in front if the whole class. I said a couple things as a joke to maybe get her off my back. But it escalated quickly. She told me that her entire family was going to put me 9 feet under. I was a teenager so I said it is only 6 feet. She replied with my family it is 9 feet. What happened was I got kicked out of school when the teacher complained. They didn’t investigate the teacher or ask any of the other students what happened. That year I won the most awards in the school as I participated a lot.

The following year when I returned I didn’t like school. I became afraid of the teachers as well. I don’t think I won any awards that year and I became ill a lot as well. I then had to deal with a teacher that would throw all my books on the ground and soon as she walked in. All my papers, homework everything would go flying. I had to pick this up by myself everytime and I would usually just leave the class when this had happened.

Computer Lab was even more damaging. Being in middle school with teenageboys going through puberty. The guys used to take air in a can for the keyboards and spray my breasts with it. So I feared if the teacher ever had to pop out of the room for a moment. How could I ever go get help about that. Far too embarrassing.

Also, when I hit puberty I didn’t like going outside. I hated being on my period. I still hate getting my period. So instead of going outside and exercising I stayed inside and ate candy bars. A few days after going to cross country practice I got a letter in the mail. It seems one of my classmates was on holiday in California and heard I got fat. So I was posted a newspaper clipping of an obese person with diet information that specifically told me I was that obese person. I started crying and my mom asked me what happened. I never told my mom about getting bullied by my peers. But I showed her this and she cried too. She couldn’t believe it as well. But I don’t think she informed the school either.

I wasn’t a popular kid growing up. I wasn’t sure if the few friends I had were even my friend. The girl that was supposed to be my best friend had different friends at school. We didn’t talk much at school I guess I didn’t want to ruin her reputation.

In high school there was a popular kid yelling at a non popular kid. I told off the popular kid. Then the teacher yelled at the unpopular kid. I explained what happened to the teacher that the popular kid was bullying the unpopular kid. The teacher got pissed at me. I was proud of myself for standing up for this kid he was always getting picked on. About 2 minutes later the vice principal was in the room to take who out of the class? Not the one who bullied or got bullied but me. I thought why am I the only one getting taken to the office? The vice principal said you are getting a 4 hour Saturday detention for what I did. To this dad I don’t know the reason it was never explained. I can only assume now that I am older that the teacher must have thought I was taking back to her.

Nobody at our school ever listened. I think within a couple years after O graduated a kid committed suicide from my high school. He was apparently bullied a lot. I can only wish I fought the system more and stood up for myself more that maybe that kid would of had a chance. If he got punished for doing good things as well. I will never know everything that happened in his case. I just hope that schools deal with things better. Now that all these kids have phones and even more bullying can happen. I just hope people learn it is wrong and don’t do it.

I always wanted to get out of school younger so I could work. I thought at work none of this childlike shit happens. Let me tell you now. Every single job I’ve had I’ve been bullied at. People still act like they are 3 at the office as well. So study hard and get yourself your own business.