I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak


I still hurt.

Every single day I hurt inside. I feel as if I can not live up to my expectations. It has always been two steps forward three steps backwards.

I have learned so many lessons yet I am still stuck. How does everyone else make it look so easy. Does anyone else even suffer in the ways that I do? Why can’t I see it?? Why do I feel so alone..

I am defeated.

I have officially lost it. I am completely broken and feel shattered. My glass has been breaking slowly and where there were seals they are re-broken.

I need to catch a break. I need to take time for myself and re-evaluate my life. I need to figure out what is still important to me and readjust my sails.

I miss home so much. I moved to England for love, not because I wanted to be in this country. I miss my family and my friends. I miss this season(s) (Fall/Autumn and Winter) so much. Halloween isn’t really a big deal in England, Thanksgiving is just me and my hubby and Christmas well, it isn’t with a bunch a family and relatives. It went from being one of the best times of the year to the worst as it is pretty lonely.

Also, over the weekend a friend’s dad has passed away. I hate being in a foreign country when someone back home passes away. I have had 3 uncles pass away since I have been gone and I couldn’t go to the services. It is unfortunate to say but I was lucky enough to be back home when my lovely Grandma passed away. I hate that she is gone but I was there for her during her time of passing and that was so important to me. And right now, I am without a passport so it is even more frustrating. I hate that I can’t be there in person for the ones that are important to me when they are going through hard times. It sucks big time!

I have a hard time with being in England. I feel like some people here are really distant and don’t make effort to try to get to know you. It seems to be such a frustrating thing. I am more likely to get along with foreigners because they understand what it is like to be away from home. And maybe we think some of the norms here are just plain weird. But we are trying our best. Don’t get me wrong I have met some amazing people from here, but my expectations just are not right. Maybe the people will change, or maybe they don’t like that the foreigners are coming here and dominating their jobs..? People are just like, oh, an American, ew, and then make no effort to actually get to know you to see if you fit their stereotype.. I will stop right there on that note, I am not trying to offend anyone, just wondering why they are so different.

I guess I can say I am frustrated in so many parts of my life. I am 31 years old and I do not even have a house yet. The property rates here in London really are a joke. It is like you need to win the lottery to win an actually house that is decent. Or you need to make 100K but what are these jobs that are paying this amount of money? How are people raking it in?

I know I am not the only one that feels like this. A lot of people my age are in the same boat. We thought our parents had it all figured out, but we are learning that they didn’t, but times were a bit easier for them we feel.

Is anyone else at this point in life right now? Did you think you would be a lot further in life? Have a lot more by now as you have been working your ass off but haven’t seen results? What are you trying to do to turn it around for yourself? Sometimes I feel I want to go back to university, but then I think what if I go through it and I am back at this same spot, at least I can stay I tried or will it create a bigger mess for myself?