I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

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My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak

 

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I still hurt.

Every single day I hurt inside. I feel as if I can not live up to my expectations. It has always been two steps forward three steps backwards.

I have learned so many lessons yet I am still stuck. How does everyone else make it look so easy. Does anyone else even suffer in the ways that I do? Why can’t I see it?? Why do I feel so alone..

You Matter Too

I have a friend who loves to write but doesn’t blog. She has had written plays that have been performed. But when I asked her why she doesn’t blog she said because nobody would care what she has to say. She said my blog matters because I help people with mine.

And I thought.. hold up!! You have been through so much in your life! You have experiences you can help people with. And she can be an inspiration to the younger generation in her community as well.

She has grown up in one of the most segregated cities in America! I am sure she can write a lot to inspire all of the young girls coming up the same way.

She could teach them so much! She can teach them to be brave. To be happy in your own skin. To not let anyone put a label on them. How to accept themselves. Inspire them to know there is more in life for them to go after.

I wish she would see she mattered too! She has so many things she can help people with! And she can open up about her depression and what she does to help her cope.

I’m going to challenge her to pick a few good qualities about herself and to write about them! And how did she get those good qualities and how they have helped made her life better!

Girl, everyone matters! You matter! Start changing the world by sharing your experiences to help other people going through them. Be that mentor they can look to for guidance.

Build yourself up and share yourself with the world! Kindness goes far my friend! Can’t wait to read what you write!

Happiness – Escaping Toxic

I have had to have a hard look at what was stealing my happiness. And I am glad I did so I could make adjustments to my life. I had to remove toxic conditions, people and gym from my life.

I don’t go somewhere everyday I hate and this feels great. I have finally been able to talk about a really traumatic experience. I have removed people who are always negative towards me. And I don’t go to a gym that is full of stuck up yuppies who aren’t comfortable in their own skin. I have surrounded myself with kind people and I have started walking and running as it is free.

I feel my head is a lot more clear now so I can start healing and be the person I am meant to be.

Instead of being upset that I don’t have a house or I don’t have kids yet. I am happy I have a flat I live in and a wonderful husband who loves me. I am appreciating what I do have. I am changing my mind as it became toxic from being around others. Which is why I haven’t been writing. I didn’t want to be negative and complaining all the time. I wanted to get my sh*t together.

So when I was asked to write again. And asked about the reasons the person gave me to write again. I had to get back to it. Even if I help just one person, that is everything. I don’t need to reach the entire world. I just need to help one person and if I can do that then I am really happy inside!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog everyone! I really appreciate it! Leave some comments if you get a moment or let me know you blog so I can read your articles to.

 

 

Holiday Depression

I have been really depressed this holiday season. Everyone is talking about spending time with their family and seeing friends. And I just kind of feel like I am stuck in London. (I think of London as a place for tourists to visit, not as a place to live permanently.) Sure I have my husband, but it sucks always being away from family during the holidays. The end of the year is a difficult time. I miss out on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.. I guess I need to accept the fact that I am old and this is just how life is going to be. Some people think it is a blessing to have it alone with your spouse. But nothing is celebrated the same way anymore, it is just different, like a lack of.

Is anyone else going to be away from everyone during the holidays? Does anyone else spend it just with their spouse and are happy about it? What new traditions have you started with your spouse that you enjoy? Do you feel guilty for not seeing your family?