Everything might not be going according to plan but I am not going to let it eat me from the inside and turn me into a monster. 6 months ago I left a toxic job where I would sit at my desk wanting to kill myself as I did not feel important or valued there because I was promised much more than they ever delivered. And when my uncle passed away it made perfect sense to be with my family in a time of need than to be around people that never really supported me.
Sometimes I feel like I was that bad person for leaving but in the role I was in you can hire someone instantly for that role. Sometimes I hope that person doesn’t give a shit about the role so they can see how they were missing someone that was hard working and wanted to contribute in so many ways. But after all they sold me a lie and only wanted to fill a role.
I honestly haven’t been looking for a new role. I decided I would give myself a break from strangers putting the pressure on me. Before that I forced myself to work 1 month after starting chemotherapy. My doctors told me I couldn’t work but I forced myself to work because I thought not working and not contributing to my family was looked down upon. So when I was going through hell I made myself work 10-12 hour shifts in a hell hole. Again it was an extremely toxic environment and my boss joked that she thought I did heroin because of my arm being bruised from needles and not understanding the needles were for all my blood tests to monitor my chemotherapy. But some people must be so proud of their kids who bully people right?
I’ve had this break to be able to get myself right. I don’t think I have actually worked in a safe environment. Everywhere I have worked has been extremely toxic. I always wondered if it was just me that felt this or if other people felt like it too. It is nice I didn’t throw myself into another toxic environment right away.
I need to remember what I know about myself. I am usually one of the first people to arrive at a company. There are people who run 20 minutes late everyday and they get away with it. I always wondered why they don’t just wake up a little bit earlier and get a train before. But that is not my problem that is there problem. I usually like to arrive early because I like to get a jump start on my day. I like to get caught up on things before everyone else is there and try to read as many emails as I can before my official start time. Maybe I should ignore this paragraph for now.. lol
Let me try again. So I know that I am punctual. I know I research my tasks and see it through to the end. But I also like to get people’s opinions on it in-case they look at it from a different view from myself so I can clearly explain myself even better. I try my best to be positive because I know any given number of people can be going through hell but we might not know it. After my mom died I went through so much hell. I didn’t talk to many people that entire year. The following year I was as nice as I could be to everyone and greeted everyone with a smile. The reason being was because the year I suffered some people gave up after a few days, some a few months and some actually made it through to me a lot longer after. The people that didn’t give up so easily and tried longer to get through to me and be there for me are the ones that really helped to change me. I am thankful for their kindness during the most difficult time of my life. And something so little as them acknowledging my existence during that time really spoke to me later in life. So be that bright spark for other people but my problem with this is I would always go way out of my way and beyond to help people that they felt smothered. So I’ve learned to not smother people with care anymore. Maybe this paragraph doesn’t work either. O well.
Anyways, moving on from that. I don’t need to prove myself to strangers. I only need to prove myself to my very own self. Nobody has lived my exact life so nobody knows exactly what I have been through. They have only the understanding of what they went through and how they felt in similar situations that have happened to them. For the first 31 and a half years of my life I was focused on other people. Now that I am 32 I am going to stop focusing on other people so much as they have never been able to do for me as what I have done for them. So I need to take all that love I was giving away freely to people who didn’t appreciate it and start giving myself that love and praise.
There are people on both ends of the spectrum and all up through it. There are people that are kind and would do anything for others and then there are people who take advantage of others and will do anything to get ahead. It is sad when people on the two opposite ends get together. I used to think it was so the good one could help the bad one change. I need to spend less time thinking about these things and start shifting towards what is best for myself within reason.
My dream job in college was to be a CEO of a company. I realized people were really bad at making decisions. Especially highly calculative ones. A lot of people don’t want to upset people so they will just do what everyone else is doing and let someone else decide and tell them. It was never anything I would have thought was unreachable. I work hard, I take in a lot of information, I listen to people and I try to make solutions based on the evidence presented.
But for now I am going to focus on myself. I am going to concentrate on what bring me joy to my life. Blogging is something I love to do but I never expected to make money from it. I just wanted to share my thoughts with the world. I wanted people to know that they are not alone with whatever they are going through. I wanted people to know that yes I suffer from a lot of things but I keep going on and trying to live my life. I want to be relatable to people because I don’t feel that people are being honest these days. People only want to post the positives on social media where I want to post the positive and the bad. Maybe if people know that I have been through hell it can help them understand my good days and lucky I am to have those good days and my experiences. Just because we suffer and go through hell doesn’t mean we deserve to have shit lives, we can go on and have fun and be happy too.
Here is something funny for you. In college I took a few religious classes. And in one we had to pick if Genesis 1 or Genesis 2 happened. I was the only person in the class that wrote that they both happened. This took my professor by surprise as everyone would automatically say they thought only Genesis 2 happened. A few years later I had a friend publish a book where he wrote that they had both happened to. I wish I knew his view when I wrote my paper as we had a debate about it in class and people thought I was crazy for my view. But I also tried to explain to the class about time. I tried to say what existed before the Big Bang and exists after. I tried to say what is the only thing we have to measure an experiment in every experiment. I tried to explain to them that this is time. But I think only my professor was the one to have a clue what I was on about. My ideas were often to big and too bold for the average person taking religious classes. So he really liked when I gave my opinions as maybe they were off of the normal track as most people but he saw a glimpse of where it was coming from. So the funny thing about this is I have been watching the German show Dark. And in this show they have the whole bit about time being God. So I just found it so interesting that how I was thought to be crazy with this idea in college yet it has ended up in a very popular TV show.
Alright I have been sidetracked for a bit on this. But sometimes I just want to open up for people to understand a piece of my mind. Or do I mean it is so I can understand myself better. Life can be however you decide to look at it. If you think negative and the world is bad then that will consume you, but if you think the world is positive and people are good than you will be like a positive little butterfly making some ripples! Your life is up to you to decide how you want to live it and the person you will become. People are going to tell you how you should live your life based on how they would live it. Most people live in fear of failure. But if you want something in this world you can have it. You just have to work hard enough. And that is what it comes down to is whether or not you are willing to put in the work. Don’t make excuses for something you want, those are your obstacles to overcome by actually grinding and putting in the work.
At this point I am interested in who I will be in another 6 months. But also extremely interested in the person I currently am. How I have changed and how I will continue to change.
What sets my soul on fire to change the world and make it a better place is different than what I had thought 6 months ago.
The smallest things can change your life and make it better so just a reminder to myself to remember that. One person that I can say hi to everyday might just be the answer to a new opportunity for me or for you.
When I come back from my holiday I plan on networking more. Some people are left in our past only for us to move on with our future.
Sometimes we must make difficult decisions with what we can experience so we can evolve as people and break the cycles we get trapped in and consumed by. If I feel like I am living in the matrix by having a routine life than I change something about it. Some people can have the same routine for 10 years and not have a problem with it, but I am not one of those people, are you?
Life is short so do what makes you happy if it is done with good intention. Don’t worry about what other people think as that is going to hold you back in the end. Be your own best friend and your own biggest supported. It is more than okay to put yourself first and value yourself. You are worthy of that. I often feel like we try to get approval from everyone else when it is approval of yourself that matters the most.
I am just going to let this post float out there for now. I am unsure if this is more for me or more for you at this point. But maybe we are all one and the same.
Here is the link for anyone that was interest in reading my friend’s book. You can buy it from the link below.
The World That Then Was: Understanding the Genesis creation account