I woke up feeling great!

I woke up feeling great this morning! I’ve been sick over the last few weeks. and I’ve been stressed out with certain situations. And I was becoming a bit of a bitch saying I don’t like living in London as I am homesick!

But today I felt energised when I woke up! I didn’t wake up and feel fatigued and I didn’t feel depressing! I think I cause my own depression! Too much thinking and less action will do that to you.

I made it to the gym today. I crushed my workout. And I returned a lost £1 coin to the gym as it was jammed in a locker. Hopefully the person gets it back as I know there are a lot of poor people int he area.

I bagged the leaves in my yard/garden. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while but since I live in a London flat I don’t like going in my yard/garden as my neighbors above me can see me. I miss America when I can be outside and nobody sees me. But my neighbors work from home and literally never leave the house.

I also did the dishes which I know my husband really appreciated. I try to do as many as I can but we have a funny sink and it fills with water fast and has poor drainage.

My husband is collecting a table and chairs for our garden. We have lived here for 2 years and haven’t done much with the space. So we are trying to change that this year. I hope I will go outside more but my neighbor is always saying how she doesn’t like Americans to her partner. So it puts me off from enjoying my space that I pay for.

My cat Harley has been super cute today. I put a video of her on TikTok!

Also I got to explain why I love twitch streaming to someone.

I can’t wait for my husband to come home and see I did the yard/garden. And that I washed the dishes. And that I cleared a path for him to get the table and chairs outside.

But I decided to stop at this point. I don’t want to overdue it. And I also feel productive writing a blog post. Blogging makes me happy. I like expressing myself. I like helping people. I wasn’t sure where my blogging would be going when I originally started. But I guess I kind of write about anything and everything. People are always going through something and more of a range I have the more I can help people.

Anyways thanks for reading my blog! I am always really appreciative of everyone who stops by. I love that you do and I also enjoy getting back to your comments! So thanks you!

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We must go on, despite all of our setbacks!

Everything might not be going according to plan but I am not going to let it eat me from the inside and turn me into a monster. 6 months ago I left a toxic job where I would sit at my desk wanting to kill myself as I did not feel important or valued there because I was promised much more than they ever delivered. And when my uncle passed away it made perfect sense to be with my family in a time of need than to be around people that never really supported me.

Sometimes I feel like I was that bad person for leaving but in the role I was in you can hire someone instantly for that role. Sometimes I hope that person doesn’t give a shit about the role so they can see how they were missing someone that was hard working and wanted to contribute in so many ways. But after all they sold me a lie and only wanted to fill a role.

I honestly haven’t been looking for a new role. I decided I would give myself a break from strangers putting the pressure on me. Before that I forced myself to work 1 month after starting chemotherapy. My doctors told me I couldn’t work but I forced myself to work because I thought not working and not contributing to my family was looked down upon. So when I was going through hell I made myself work 10-12 hour shifts in a hell hole. Again it was an extremely toxic environment and my boss joked that she thought I did heroin because of my arm being bruised from needles and not understanding the needles were for all my blood tests to monitor my chemotherapy. But some people must be so proud of their kids who bully people right?

I’ve had this break to be able to get myself right. I don’t think I have actually worked in a safe environment. Everywhere I have worked has been extremely toxic. I always wondered if it was just me that felt this or if other people felt like it too. It is nice I didn’t throw myself into another toxic environment right away.

I need to remember what I know about myself. I am usually one of the first people to arrive at a company. There are people who run 20 minutes late everyday and they get away with it. I always wondered why they don’t just wake up a little bit earlier and get a train before. But that is not my problem that is there problem. I usually like to arrive early because I like to get a jump start on my day. I like to get caught up on things before everyone else is there and try to read as many emails as I can before my official start time. Maybe I should ignore this paragraph for now.. lol

Let me try again. So I know that I am punctual. I know I research my tasks and see it through to the end. But I also like to get people’s opinions on it in-case they look at it from a different view from myself so I can clearly explain myself even better. I try my best to be positive because I know any given number of people can be going through hell but we might not know it. After my mom died I went through so much hell. I didn’t talk to many people that entire year. The following year I was as nice as I could be to everyone and greeted everyone with a smile. The reason being was because the year I suffered some people gave up after a few days, some a few months and some actually made it through to me a lot longer after. The people that didn’t give up so easily and tried longer to get through to me and be there for me are the ones that really helped to change me. I am thankful for their kindness during the most difficult time of my life. And something so little as them acknowledging my existence during that time really spoke to me later in life. So be that bright spark for other people but my problem with this is I would always go way out of my way and beyond to help people that they felt smothered. So I’ve learned to not smother people with care anymore. Maybe this paragraph doesn’t work either. O well.

Anyways, moving on from that. I don’t need to prove myself to strangers. I only need to prove myself to my very own self. Nobody has lived my exact life so nobody knows exactly what I have been through. They have only the understanding of what they went through and how they felt in similar situations that have happened to them. For the first 31 and a half years of my life I was focused on other people. Now that I am 32 I am going to stop focusing on other people so much as they have never been able to do for me as what I have done for them. So I need to take all that love I was giving away freely to people who didn’t appreciate it and start giving myself that love and praise.

There are people on both ends of the spectrum and all up through it. There are people that are kind and would do anything for others and then there are people who take advantage of others and will do anything to get ahead. It is sad when people on the two opposite ends get together. I used to think it was so the good one could help the bad one change. I need to spend less time thinking about these things and start shifting towards what is best for myself within reason.

My dream job in college was to be a CEO of a company. I realized people were really bad at making decisions. Especially highly calculative ones. A lot of people don’t want to upset people so they will just do what everyone else is doing and let someone else decide and tell them. It was never anything I would have thought was unreachable. I work hard, I take in a lot of information, I listen to people and I try to make solutions based on the evidence presented.

But for now I am going to focus on myself. I am going to concentrate on what bring me joy to my life. Blogging is something I love to do but I never expected to make money from it. I just wanted to share my thoughts with the world. I wanted people to know that they are not alone with whatever they are going through. I wanted people to know that yes I suffer from a lot of things but I keep going on and trying to live my life. I want to be relatable to people because I don’t feel that people are being honest these days. People only want to post the positives on social media where I want to post the positive and the bad. Maybe if people know that I have been through hell it can help them understand my good days and lucky I am to have those good days and my experiences. Just because we suffer and go through hell doesn’t mean we deserve to have shit lives, we can go on and have fun and be happy too.

Here is something funny for you. In college I took a few religious classes. And in one we had to pick if Genesis 1 or Genesis 2 happened. I was the only person in the class that wrote that they both happened. This took my professor by surprise as everyone would automatically say they thought only Genesis 2 happened. A few years later I had a friend publish a book where he wrote that they had both happened to. I wish I knew his view when I wrote my paper as we had a debate about it in class and people thought I was crazy for my view. But I also tried to explain to the class about time. I tried to say what existed before the Big Bang and exists after. I tried to say what is the only thing we have to measure an experiment in every experiment. I tried to explain to them that this is time. But I think only my professor was the one to have a clue what I was on about. My ideas were often to big and too bold for the average person taking religious classes. So he really liked when I gave my opinions as maybe they were off of the normal track as most people but he saw a glimpse of where it was coming from. So the funny thing about this is I have been watching the German show Dark. And in this show they have the whole bit about time being God. So I just found it so interesting that how I was thought to be crazy with this idea in college yet it has ended up in a very popular TV show.

Alright I have been sidetracked for a bit on this. But sometimes I just want to open up for people to understand a piece of my mind. Or do I mean it is so I can understand myself better. Life can be however you decide to look at it. If you think negative and the world is bad then that will consume you, but if you think the world is positive and people are good than you will be like a positive little butterfly making some ripples! Your life is up to you to decide how you want to live it and the person you will become. People are going to tell you how you should live your life based on how they would live it. Most people live in fear of failure. But if you want something in this world you can have it. You just have to work hard enough. And that is what it comes down to is whether or not you are willing to put in the work. Don’t make excuses for something you want, those are your obstacles to overcome by actually grinding and putting in the work.

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At this point I am interested in who I will be in another 6 months. But also extremely interested in the person I currently am. How I have changed and how I will continue to change.

What sets my soul on fire to change the world and make it a better place is different than what I had thought 6 months ago.

The smallest things can change your life and make it better so just a reminder to myself to remember that. One person that I can say hi to everyday might just be the answer to a new opportunity for me or for you.

When I come back from my holiday I plan on networking more. Some people are left in our past only for us to move on with our future.

Sometimes we must make difficult decisions with what we can experience so we can evolve as people and break the cycles we get trapped in and consumed by. If I feel like I am living in the matrix by having a routine life than I change something about it. Some people can have the same routine for 10 years and not have a problem with it, but I am not one of those people, are you?

Life is short so do what makes you happy if it is done with good intention. Don’t worry about what other people think as that is going to hold you back in the end. Be your own best friend and your own biggest supported. It is more than okay to put yourself first and value yourself. You are worthy of that. I often feel like we try to get approval from everyone else when it is approval of yourself that matters the most.

I am just going to let this post float out there for now. I am unsure if this is more for me or more for you at this point. But maybe we are all one and the same.
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Here is the link for anyone that was interest in reading my friend’s book. You can buy it from the link below.

The World That Then Was: Understanding the Genesis creation account

I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

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My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak

 

Achieving your goal vs what you become from achieving your goals!

Zig Ziglar -What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

I really like this quote!

Say your goal is to plan a trip to London and you have never left American before. Never even left your own state. I am personally from Ohio and a lot of people from Cleveland have never left the state!

So what you would have to do is get your passport.
Then you would have to buy a flight and accommodation.
And you would have to pick what you would want to do while you are there.
Plus you need to plan to budget the money. Food and train tickets.

If you didn’t ever make the trip to London you wouldn’t have learned all of these skills. And by doing this you will be more likely to plan trips to other destinations. You will become more inspired and self confident in yourself!

So it i will be great that you went to London which was your goal but it is even better that you have experienced the entire process as that has now become a huge part of you!

So by traveling to London you are labeled and international traveler. Sure that sounds cool and everything. But look at the bigger picture. You have learned financial planning skills. You have done research on traveling and about the Country and culture itself. It is about everything that goes into creating this experience because it is building who you are as a person. Your friends and family will be amazed by this and ask you a lot of questions based on your experience too. You will be adding value to your life and to the people around you as well.

So I hope you can see the difference!

Click below to listen to the podcast!

Podcast!

Positivity Vlog!

Attempted doing a little positivity vlog for my twitch! Please let me know your feedback! I’ve been trying to find software that lets me do everything I need to but having to switch between a few for different things!

I love my cat!

I absolutely love my cat! My husband got her as a surprise for me. Something I never expected from him as he never had a pet growing up. But I have fallen in love with the way he has fallen in love with her!So 6 years ago I moved to London from Cleveland, Ohio. For my husband ofcourse! And it is very expensive to live for the very little space you get. But we have enough space for a kitty!Her name is Harley as we were told her breed can have some attitude. She is a Tortoiseshell! Her coat is extremely pretty but I find it hard to photograph.Like most cats she likes sleeping, eating and playing! She likes to sleep on her own and she likes to cuddle. So she does have a lot of independence which I love about cats in general! We have to have her on a diet because she is petite! The vet doesn’t want her getting too fat because of complications. And she lives to play which is where her personality really shines through!So my cat is a playing machine. She can play fetch! How cool is that!? And she will even initiate it when she wants to play by bringing her mouse to me.She also loves to play tag. I know that chasing your cat in most cases isn’t ideal. But she has an understanding of it. Our tag usually turns into a very fun hide and seek game! I will run to the bedroom or bathroom and hide around the corner and she will try to find me. She doesn’t run away to hide unless I actually acknowledge her. This is really funny. So if I don’t let on that she has found me she tries to get my attention so I know. Then she will run and hide in the living room and I will pretend to look in places she is not. Then by the time I go to the spot she was in originally she will move. So cute. Then we make eye contact and I run away and hide again.I love playing games with her. I like to keep her fit as she is an indoor cat. We live by a busy road that cars don’t stop at the zebra crossings when people are on them. So they definitely wouldn’t stop for her.Also, this will freak you out. But because I have inflammatory bowel disease I can spend a lot of time in the toilet. But she likes to be around and keep me company. If I start walking to the toilet she sprints to beat me there. Some people would find this relationship weird but it works for us!She also likes to be in the bathroom when I have a bath. She likes to come in and have a nap and regularly check one to make sure I am okay and not drowning. She probably wonders how I can be in the water for that long. But it is cute that she checks on me if I don’t move for a while when I am relaxing.My husband absolutely loves when Harley is cleaning herself. He thinks it is absolutely adorable that she takes care of herself.I know most cats love boxes! A lot would prefer the box to whatever you bought them. But we can’t give her boxes as she strips it into pieces and eats it. She can’t digest all that fiber well. Plus we looked up and it is not safe as how the boxes are made.But we did invest in a cat tree! She loves sleeping on her tree and watching everything out in our yard! Also loves the scratch posts on it!The most recent toy we got was a tunnel. She loves to run through it! Occasionally she likes to pop her head out of the holes in it. She likes when you throw her mouse in there!Harley has made me feel a lot less lonely here. A lot of people would tell you that Londoners or English people are very fake. I find this to be true after 6 years. I miss all of my family and friends back home! I’m so glad I have Harley! I’d rather spend a day with her than someone who seems to always cancel plansAnyone else in love with their cat? Pets over other humans right? Lol

I’ve for better videos but they are lost in my phone. Sorry!

New Gym, New me! :)

Okay! So this year I left an extremely toxic gym! One where the staff made fun of it’s members that paid top dollar to be there. And one that didn’t help in medical situations at all. They had no training in dealing with a client with asthma or heart conditions. So I’ve taken a few months off from the gym as I couldn’t be around people for a while. Today I have finally gone to get myself signed up at a new gym and get a routine set up that is best for me.

The trainer was extremely professional! He told me to always bring my asthma inhaler with me as I like to use it just before I leave my house on the way to the gym. As I feel embarrassed about it. But best to have incase of emergency! And he was also worried about my heart. He says my heart rate goes up too high. I was born with an irregular heartbeat where my heart skips a beat but I also get tachycardia with my heart beating high when I am at rest.So he has changed my cardio warm up to an easier warm up that won’t flare up my asthma or make my heart sky rocket. When we were checking my heart rate I would feel fine but he said it is too high so he got me in a category that works best for me. So nice of him to check this with me.

We also recorded videos so I can refer back to them for my workout any time. He helped me with my form on a couple as they were knew to me.I will post the videos. Let me know what you think of the routine!