I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

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My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak

 

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Achieving your goal vs what you become from achieving your goals!

Zig Ziglar -What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

I really like this quote!

Say your goal is to plan a trip to London and you have never left American before. Never even left your own state. I am personally from Ohio and a lot of people from Cleveland have never left the state!

So what you would have to do is get your passport.
Then you would have to buy a flight and accommodation.
And you would have to pick what you would want to do while you are there.
Plus you need to plan to budget the money. Food and train tickets.

If you didn’t ever make the trip to London you wouldn’t have learned all of these skills. And by doing this you will be more likely to plan trips to other destinations. You will become more inspired and self confident in yourself!

So it i will be great that you went to London which was your goal but it is even better that you have experienced the entire process as that has now become a huge part of you!

So by traveling to London you are labeled and international traveler. Sure that sounds cool and everything. But look at the bigger picture. You have learned financial planning skills. You have done research on traveling and about the Country and culture itself. It is about everything that goes into creating this experience because it is building who you are as a person. Your friends and family will be amazed by this and ask you a lot of questions based on your experience too. You will be adding value to your life and to the people around you as well.

So I hope you can see the difference!

Click below to listen to the podcast!

Podcast!

Positivity Vlog!

Attempted doing a little positivity vlog for my twitch! Please let me know your feedback! I’ve been trying to find software that lets me do everything I need to but having to switch between a few for different things!

I love my cat!

I absolutely love my cat! My husband got her as a surprise for me. Something I never expected from him as he never had a pet growing up. But I have fallen in love with the way he has fallen in love with her!So 6 years ago I moved to London from Cleveland, Ohio. For my husband ofcourse! And it is very expensive to live for the very little space you get. But we have enough space for a kitty!Her name is Harley as we were told her breed can have some attitude. She is a Tortoiseshell! Her coat is extremely pretty but I find it hard to photograph.Like most cats she likes sleeping, eating and playing! She likes to sleep on her own and she likes to cuddle. So she does have a lot of independence which I love about cats in general! We have to have her on a diet because she is petite! The vet doesn’t want her getting too fat because of complications. And she lives to play which is where her personality really shines through!So my cat is a playing machine. She can play fetch! How cool is that!? And she will even initiate it when she wants to play by bringing her mouse to me.She also loves to play tag. I know that chasing your cat in most cases isn’t ideal. But she has an understanding of it. Our tag usually turns into a very fun hide and seek game! I will run to the bedroom or bathroom and hide around the corner and she will try to find me. She doesn’t run away to hide unless I actually acknowledge her. This is really funny. So if I don’t let on that she has found me she tries to get my attention so I know. Then she will run and hide in the living room and I will pretend to look in places she is not. Then by the time I go to the spot she was in originally she will move. So cute. Then we make eye contact and I run away and hide again.I love playing games with her. I like to keep her fit as she is an indoor cat. We live by a busy road that cars don’t stop at the zebra crossings when people are on them. So they definitely wouldn’t stop for her.Also, this will freak you out. But because I have inflammatory bowel disease I can spend a lot of time in the toilet. But she likes to be around and keep me company. If I start walking to the toilet she sprints to beat me there. Some people would find this relationship weird but it works for us!She also likes to be in the bathroom when I have a bath. She likes to come in and have a nap and regularly check one to make sure I am okay and not drowning. She probably wonders how I can be in the water for that long. But it is cute that she checks on me if I don’t move for a while when I am relaxing.My husband absolutely loves when Harley is cleaning herself. He thinks it is absolutely adorable that she takes care of herself.I know most cats love boxes! A lot would prefer the box to whatever you bought them. But we can’t give her boxes as she strips it into pieces and eats it. She can’t digest all that fiber well. Plus we looked up and it is not safe as how the boxes are made.But we did invest in a cat tree! She loves sleeping on her tree and watching everything out in our yard! Also loves the scratch posts on it!The most recent toy we got was a tunnel. She loves to run through it! Occasionally she likes to pop her head out of the holes in it. She likes when you throw her mouse in there!Harley has made me feel a lot less lonely here. A lot of people would tell you that Londoners or English people are very fake. I find this to be true after 6 years. I miss all of my family and friends back home! I’m so glad I have Harley! I’d rather spend a day with her than someone who seems to always cancel plansAnyone else in love with their cat? Pets over other humans right? Lol

I’ve for better videos but they are lost in my phone. Sorry!

New Gym, New me! :)

Okay! So this year I left an extremely toxic gym! One where the staff made fun of it’s members that paid top dollar to be there. And one that didn’t help in medical situations at all. They had no training in dealing with a client with asthma or heart conditions. So I’ve taken a few months off from the gym as I couldn’t be around people for a while. Today I have finally gone to get myself signed up at a new gym and get a routine set up that is best for me.

The trainer was extremely professional! He told me to always bring my asthma inhaler with me as I like to use it just before I leave my house on the way to the gym. As I feel embarrassed about it. But best to have incase of emergency! And he was also worried about my heart. He says my heart rate goes up too high. I was born with an irregular heartbeat where my heart skips a beat but I also get tachycardia with my heart beating high when I am at rest.So he has changed my cardio warm up to an easier warm up that won’t flare up my asthma or make my heart sky rocket. When we were checking my heart rate I would feel fine but he said it is too high so he got me in a category that works best for me. So nice of him to check this with me.

We also recorded videos so I can refer back to them for my workout any time. He helped me with my form on a couple as they were knew to me.I will post the videos. Let me know what you think of the routine!

Do something small today!

Okay! So I have been being a homebody for a while now. I was trying to improve my skills on fortnite that I didn’t have time for anything else.

Today I decided I would do something small that would make me feel better about myself. I thought about something I haven’t done for a while that I used to enjoy. So I decided to write a letter to my best friend.We have been writing each other since we were 12 and 13! I am now 32! That is 20 years of writing to each other!!! At my age that is hard to believe I’ve done something for that long!

When I was in Hong Kong earlier this year I got myself a bunch of Gudetama stamps! And they have just been sitting in a bag until today. So I got them out and stamped like crazy!!! I stamped the inside of the card and the envelope! This brought me a lot of joy as my bestie knows how much I love Gudetama!The next bit was writing to her.

She came to visit me this year! I’ve been living in London for 6 years and find it the most depressing city on Earth! People are fake here! They throw everyone under a bus to get ahead! Nobody has any real friends here it is all just to keep appearance. The ones that do have friends well they all do drugs together. The only time they can be themselves around others is when drugged. So for her to come here and for me to have a real friend on London only for a short time meant everything to me!

So I took the time to thank her for coming all this way. And I congratulated her on graduating as she went back to school! And it felt really nice to writing this letter/card to her! I got all excited! And the best bit is she is going to be so happy when it arrives!

We love getting snail mail! Most people just get junk mail and bills. But we write each other and send care packages! It might cost more than an email but the rush of excitement I get when I receive anything from her makes me all happy! And the same for her when I send to her.

So I did something small today. I wrote a letter to my best friend it ended up being 11 pages long!. It makes me happy that I continue our tradition of writing. And it makes me happy as I know it will bring her happiness too!

Have you done something small today for yourself or someone else? Please share it in the comments!

You Matter Too

I have a friend who loves to write but doesn’t blog. She has had written plays that have been performed. But when I asked her why she doesn’t blog she said because nobody would care what she has to say. She said my blog matters because I help people with mine.

And I thought.. hold up!! You have been through so much in your life! You have experiences you can help people with. And she can be an inspiration to the younger generation in her community as well.

She has grown up in one of the most segregated cities in America! I am sure she can write a lot to inspire all of the young girls coming up the same way.

She could teach them so much! She can teach them to be brave. To be happy in your own skin. To not let anyone put a label on them. How to accept themselves. Inspire them to know there is more in life for them to go after.

I wish she would see she mattered too! She has so many things she can help people with! And she can open up about her depression and what she does to help her cope.

I’m going to challenge her to pick a few good qualities about herself and to write about them! And how did she get those good qualities and how they have helped made her life better!

Girl, everyone matters! You matter! Start changing the world by sharing your experiences to help other people going through them. Be that mentor they can look to for guidance.

Build yourself up and share yourself with the world! Kindness goes far my friend! Can’t wait to read what you write!