The Joys of Tetris 99!

If you haven’t played Tetris 99 and you love Tetris you better get on it! The community is extremely supportive and encouraging! They also do a stream sniping type thing to make it really engaging where everyone can press start at the same time as Nintendo Switch lacks games being played with friends.

You might wonder what is different about Tetris 99 from other Tetris games.. well there are 99 people playing against each-other. When you clear a line or lines that garbage is sent to another player! You can target who gets the garbage or just have it sent out randomly!

After 186 tries I finally got my first win in Tetris 99! Some people takes thousand of tries to get their first win so I am extremely proud of myself for finally reaching my first in!

Tetris 99 Win

If you love this game or any other Tetris games then please let me know! Aso, let me know when did you finally get your first win!?

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So Thankful

SO Thankful.. for everything in my life right now! So glad I’ve had a break to calm the storm that had been going on. So proud of all of the people I have met and helped along my streaming journey.

Sometimes you need to get things off your chest. But some people use that every moment they get and stay ina negative cycle. But I won’t let that happen to me. Sure bad things happen but I am not going to give it the power to hurt me anymore. My time is more important.

I am going to keep using my time to do good. To listen to people. To laugh with people. To enjoy my time and not let the negativity soak up my time that will be forever lost.

I am happy for my life. Yes, I have been thrown a lot of obstacles but I always overcome them. I will keep overcoming them and keep growing as a person. But hopefully I will keep growing my tribe with me too while I am able.

Tomorrow will not come for so many. So let’s enjoy what time we have left. Let us leave hate behind us and be happy and spread love and positivity!

My IBD Nurse Appointment

So today I went in for my 1 year review for my Ulcerative Colitis/ Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Instead of seeing my wonderful GI doctor I got to see an IBD nurse instead. My nurse was absolutely amazing!

She said I noticed you stopped your chemo (Azathioprine) 3 years ago and I want to know how you are doing. She said we don’t always know what is going to happen to a patient that comes off of this medicine if they will get worse and go back into a flare or not. So she really wanted to make sure I was okay and in remission. And she made sure I had all of the contact information for my team at the hospital in-case I were to get sick so I can call them immediately.

So it was huge that this nurse also calls my Azathioprine medication Chemo. The reason being is that this medication used to be used as a Chemo but now it is found more effective for people with auto-iummune diseases like Crohn’s and Colits and rheumatoid arthritis. It is also used for immunosuppression in organ transplantation. But anytime I have mentioned this drug and called it Chemo like my IBD team does my family and friends they think I am being a drama queen.

So it has been wonderful to know that my team fully understands what I went through on that medication. I had a team of highly educated people tell me about the medication and help me deal with my side effects the best they could. And they also helped me deal with my family and friends who think I am being a drama queen when I suffered so badly from the medication. I know there are plenty of people taking this medication and some of them get the same crap from their family and friends too. So I kind of cut certain people out of my life that didn’t support me and what I was going through.

My husband always says I am too nice to people and I do too much for them. This is true but he is trying to get me to see how little others do for me when I would do absolutely anything for them. I would give them money and not ask for any in return when they needed it. I would buy them gifts just because something made me think of them that I thought they would enjoy. But I rarely every got anything back. Sometimes I wouldn’t even get a thank you. So he has been helping me limit my time with people who don’t go as far as I do. The other bit is he has been helping me keep a distance with people who don’t understand my IBD and the medication and everything that goes along with it. So I have to be thankful for that.

My nurse showed great concern and it was nice to be around someone so understanding and empathetic. I talked about the medication you know the asacol,mesevant, lialda type ones. And how they smell of sulfur is not nice. And how it was hard to take the pills when I was first diagnosed as they were big and I usually didn’t have an appetite so I would get nauseous and throw them up. To now I don’t think they look so big and I have to look at them as my friend and not my enemy. But also about the steroids and immunosuppressants and what they did to me. It felt nice to not feel so judged and to feel understood. Like I didn’t have to pretend to just suck it up and be okay and act like it doesn’t bother me. I could actually be open and honest about it and they understood and didn’t think of me of any less of a person. That is what is truly amazing.

I try to stay away from the support groups now. I used to be really actively involved in them. But now when I go in them it is like the same story over and over. Everyone is made to feel like crap from their family and friends. We have each-other in the community. I have a few people I am in contact with who have the disease.. either Crohn’s or Colitis. And I try to be as understanding as I can with them.

I’ve had to find my own way through managing my disease. When I first got sick I was a senior in HS trying out for my soccer team. I didn’t make the team but the coach was a bully who didn’t even call an ambulance during a bad asthma attack. I had to look up my symptoms on my own. And then a month later I finally went to my mom and explained to her what had been happening. I didn’t want her to be embarrassed of me as she was a nurse. She said if it is UC it is very serious. So we went to the family doctor/GP. They said it might be UC but I need to go to and GI doctor. Well 2 weeks before my GI appointment my mom sadly passed away. So this made it even more rough for me with what I was going through.

I had all of my testing but because of the death of my mom I wasn’t grasping everything. I was sometimes thinking maybe I didn’t have IBD and it would just go away. Even though I read absolutely everything about it. My GI used to clear out a block for me when I would come in. At 18 I was his youngest patient, my mom had just died, I was getting diagnosed with a major disease and he just wanted me to enjoy my senior year of HS. He said I probably should had been admitted but he said a lot of mistakes get maid on the inside of hospitals.. it wasn’t until years later I finally understood all off the mistakes that could happen by hospital staff. I was really alone when I was going through this. I stopped talking to all my friends, my brothers were a few hours away a uni. I had my dad but we got in arguments a lot after my mom died. But my doctor would talk to my dad to explain to him that it is serious and I need my medication as IBD complications can lead to surgery and death.

My doctor eventually told me he thought another doctor and team could help me better than the could help me. He tried everything but because everything I was going through he felt he couldn’t get through to me. The greatest thing he did was hand me off to another IBD team at a specialist hospital. The other hospital was great and they educated me so well. The doctors were so smart and they always answered my questions really well. I was really happy to finally understand what was going on.

Then I had someone ruin my life and I gave up. This person tried to sleep with me and denied it when I told his wife what had happened. He would message me all hours of the night saying really mean stuff to me. He was bullying me a lot. This was before I could block a number on my phone and my brother told me he would not block the number. He said it was my problem whatever I got myself into and I had to deal with it on my own. This same brother that apparently all this time didn’t know I was sick with this disease.

I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped eating, I stopped taking my medicine. I just wanted to be gone from the world and with my mom. I was tired of suffering and feeling so much pain. Well I got sick in a really bad flare and I didn’t tell anyone. I tried to ignore it for a really long time. And I lost a lot of blood. I finally went to my family doctor/ GP and said I didn’t feel good so she ordered blood tests. I started missing university because I was so sick and couldn’t leave my bed because I became so weak. There was one day I had to absolutely be at school and I almost passed out driving on the highway. I went to school, I waited an hour after class to speak to the teacher but another student crying took the time. I went home and I tried to have a bath. I started losing consciousness in the bathtub. The water was going in my mouth and I couldn’t even move. I had no energy to try to not drown. I somehow managed to get the bath plug out and have the water drain. I had almost drowned in my bathtub. I looked at my phone no call and went back to sleep. I woke up with many missed calls from my doctor and voicemails saying I need to go to the hospital ASAP.

My doctor explained to me I needed to go to the hospital for an emergency blood transfusion. This blood transfusion changed my life and has led me to not trust any hospital staff for quite a while! The reception at the ER told me my doctor didn’t call me in that I was coming and told me to take a seat. I waited 4 hours in the waiting room to get seen when I told the reception upon arrival I needed a blood transfusion. I finally went back and a doctor said I don’t look well in passing and I said I needed the blood transfusion. He said the nurse take my temperature which was about 102F. And then I never saw that doctor again he must have been clocking out.

In my ER room I had a nurse who wasn’t too nice. I am sure he was having a day from hell as the ER was swamped that day and night. Well they had to do their own tests on me. And they were like you need a blood transfusion. Well no shit that is why I was there in the first place! This nurse hooked me up and walked out of the room. I started screaming in pain and he didn’t come back. I was having a blood transfusion reaction and he left it going. He did not stop it immediately. He let me have a reaction and went about his day until eventually my brother left the ruin and demanded he see me as something was not right. I am not going to go further with this as remembering all the symptoms is so traumatic for me.

But the thing is I can never get into too much detail when I see my IBD staff here now… years later.. I give the most important details and I don’t go in to explain about it. My current doctor has been really understanding of everything I’ve been through but when he had one of his students see me it wasn’t until then I learned how much he knew and understood. This student had said my doctor explained to him that I was having a really difficult time. And that he hadn’t really seen in other IBD patients what was going on with me. But when this student opened up about what the doctor has said to him about me it really hit me and it helped me to heal. It helped me to feel understood and that I wasn’t talking to a wall. And trust was rebuilt even more that day.

So I can only assume when I saw the IBD nurse today that my doctor met with her and explained some more stuff to her about me and everything that has happened as his name was signed off on things. So having that person that takes a few minutes extra to ask you how you are really doing matters. There is so much healing that goes in with my IBD. But there are so few that actually recognize it. So many of us are around people who don’t understand and are toxic towards us that create a vicious cycle when we are already battling.

I have written about my IBD but not so much on my blog. But I did just want to be open and honest with everyone. My intestines get ulcers in them and it is painful. And we lose blood because an ulcer is an open wound. And when we lose blood our iron counts fall and we become anemic and that makes us tired. There is so much new research finally going on for our disease. Thank goodness for that!

My nurse apologized that she was running late and I said no need. I understand hospitals means waiting and that other people are here because they don’t feel well and need help. And sometimes you can explain something once and they understand and sometimes you have to explain it 500 different ways for them to understand. But you have to get the communication down. You need to find out what is going on with the patient when they come in so you can nip it in the butt! Sometimes patients will say things are okay and they leave and they are not okay. So staff needs to take the extra time with them to dig more information out of them. Getting the patient to feel comfortable to talk then when they feel so embarrassed is very important. You can start treating them right then. But if the correct communication doesn’t happen then you might miss that they are suffering. And it might lead to them not getting proper treatment right away. So they might need more tests, hospital stays, surgeries, etc. So communication is key when seeing your doctor.

I know this drifted from being about my appointment. But not everyone knows my story. So I am happy to share it with you. Getting diagnosed with a major disease when my mom passed away at only 18 was extremely difficult for me. Please try your best to be more understanding about other people and what they are going through. Don’t try to judge them right away and don’t make them feel bad for whatever they are going through if you have never been through it yourself. We are all just trying to get by and nobody here even asked for their life. So please try to be nice and have empathy for others.

Annoyed with my London life.

First of all when I moved to London it was for love. I had no interest in coming here for whatever any other person comes here for you know like uni or it might be cool to move here. I came for love not because I actually liked British culture and shit like that. I really don’t know why Europeans come here and put up with the shit here. Well yeah they come for work but there is absolutely no other reason for anyone to actually want to move to this place I truely believe London is a shit hole.You can’t even walk down a street in London without man slamming happening. At least in Asia people respect others enough to not walk into them. They are aware of their space and other peoples space. But in England this is not true everyone thinks that he or she is the most important person on the sidewalk. They don’t move over they just walk into you. This even happens in the grocery store. And I am not even speaking about a busy grocery store. There could be one other person in the aisle with you and they walk into you and don’t walk around you. They obviously don’t speak to say excuse me they usually bump into you until you almost fall over and after they might say they are sorry. No they are not fucking sorry! The person saw that you were there and could have easily gone around but chose not too! They wanted to be an asshole as they have nothing better going on in their lives!I was extremely intimidated when I moved to London to look for work. London is such a world class city as I was coming from the middle of nowhere. But what I learned is it is impossible to find people who are truthful, empathetic and good people. Everyone seems to have their own agenda of how to throw someone under the bus to fuck them over so they can get ahead. Nobody wants to work together to get ahead unless it means they are trying to fuck over someone else. I have definitely seen this happen in offices. Groups of people will even pick someone they want to get fired and gang up on them. Then once that person is gone the group will move on to their next victim.Every office I have ever worked in the English people have been racist I mean xenophobic towards me for being American. And they easily get away with it. But it has extended to even the Europeans being racist towards me at later jobs.I really hope that London reached its peak and is on a decline for a long time. If Brexit were to ruin the city I would actually be happy for that to happen. So many English people complain that foreigners are taking their jobs when they themselves don’t want to work. They like to get a job and go on sick leave for 6 months instead of just quitting the job. They love taking advantage of this and I have seen it at every company I have worked at. But they never complain about themselves, they never see they are the problem.I hope a lot of people leave the city and I hope a lot of businesses go out of business! I hope they go through something big and bad enough that they will learn to regret everything that they have done. I really want to see their economy take a hit and the people to lose their self confidence and pride of where they are from. I hope the English will feel embarrassed for how they treat people who move here.If I could take all of the tourists from London and divert them to my city I would. I would love that money to come into my city. My city has plenty of immigrants that work there as well and I am so appreciative of them. Londoners travel the world and shit on every place they go, because it isn’t London. They think they live in the best place in the world and are incapable of appreciating the lives of people from other countries. Hey England just so you know Denmark is doing it all better than you!I am proud of where I come from. People in my city have to work their ass off to get what they want they don’t get handed everything on a silver plate like Londoners.The NHS is another thing that English people do not appreciate! They abuse the system so much! And I am not talking about the average Joe here. I am talking about the rich people of London. They are basically raping the NHS and than the average Joe is getting fucked over by it.So the rich people will scream and complain and cry and throw every single temper tantrum to get what they want. They will do this at all levels to the reception, to nurses, to doctors, to practice managers, etc,… So they complain to get a private referral so they can get seen faster. But when they see that doctor they don’t want to pay the private prices for their medication. Why should they be punished for being rich anyways. So instead of paying the private prices for their medication that they wanted for being special to have a faster time with a private doctor they go back to the NHS. They cause all kinds of hell at the NHS to get their private prescription put on the NHS. They are all of a sudden not rich enough to pay for their medicine. So the NHS GP’s don’t want any complaints on their websites and Google Maps. So they will prescribe the medicine on the NHS which comes out of each NHS Surgeries budget. So this means there is less money in the pool at that specific surgery to fund other patients. So average Joe will come in there needing an expensive medication for their disease but the NHS GP will have to prescribe a cheaper and less effective medicine for that person knowing that they need a better medicine. But they have to prescribe this medicine as the money they could have went to a more expensive drug for this person is being used by the rich person who cries that they don’t want to accept responsibility to pay for their private prescription and be an adult. But to the average Joe they would not know this as they have not worked in the NHS.The people in this country do not respect the staff of the NHS. They talk to them like they are basically 3. I feel bad for these doctors who have given up so much time of their life to study and prepare themselves to treat people to make them better that are treated like this. I feel bad for all NHS staff dealing with these filthy people who have no respect. There is a fine line between understanding someone is suffering and being empathetic to them and knowing someone is just being a jackass to get what they want.I think that if the NHS is going to keep on that everyone needs to put at least 2 years of work there. I think the younger generation needs to work there to be more understanding of the whole system. They need to be on the front lines so they don’t turn into an asshole treating the staff like shit. And they need to work their so they understand how the system really does work so they can be the ones to improve it.Seriously the people working for the CCG are fucking assholes! They are making so many rules and hoops for doctors to jump through that it is starting to ruin shit. And these people in the CCG are getting paid the big bucks! Maybe the CCG should take a pay cut so more money can actually go into the NHS to fund these patients who are sick!With everything going on in Hong Kong I really hope the people there start to turn on the English people. No not make them horny but to hold them accountable and to start being more of an ass to them! After all England was like yo China here is Hong Kong! They should have let the people of Hong Kong decide what to do with their own country. So I really hope that England becomes a very dramatic part of the situation as they need to accept some responsibility and should be helping to make things right faster than they are currently doing so.A lot of people joke about Brexit and how it keeps getting postponed. And the running joke is that it is English people working on the situation. Because they are extremely lazy people and never actually get anything done. All the hard work is done by the foreigners and since the foreigners can’t have those positions nothing is getting done. England is currently the joke of the world with the Brexit situation!——————————————————————————–
Because I am an American people from England automatically look at me and think of me as a piece of shit.I really hope America outworks England in so many ways. To prove that they are a bigger badder country. Not by causing wars but by being a badass motherfucker setting great examples. It sucks that we have Trump as our leader and he is putting kids in cages! How messed up is that. Making his friends rich in pprivate prisons and detention centers. But I hope whoever comes next can start getting this country on track. I understand it isn’t that America hates immigrants they just hate when they come over illegally. There is always a right way and a wrong way to do something. But our country wants to do the same as the British people with their little European pets. They want them to come over and pay their taxes.As an American I can say America is not the best country in the world. I fully accept that it is not. And I believe that greed is contributing to this problem. The people don’t have a strong enough voice against the elite, at least they haven’t figured the correct way to use their voice to get their government to do what is needed for the country. You don’t see people protesting in as high numbers as England.I fully agree school teachers should be paid more if they are going to provide a good education for kids. They aren’t babysitters they are teaching the future generations.I think America should have a type of NHS but needs to learn from the mistakes of the ones that currently exist and improve on them. They can keep their private healthcare for the rich people who want it but need a NHS for the people that can’t afford it.America also needs to improve transportation between major cities. I always get asked why Americans don’t travel much. But let me tell you I am once again going on another European holiday that will cost cheaper than traveling to other larger cities in Britain. And the cost of the entire trip for 2 people will be cheaper than someone trying to fly to the next state in America. I wonder how much the European travel industry will change for England with Brexit happening.I feel more than enough that the citizens were not educated enough about Brexit before voting. I still feel like nobody even knows what the fuck is going to happen still.I also find it Hilarious that Boris Johnson is the man running the show now. Your Trump equivalent is here bitches! I know.. nobody can be as bad as Trump but hey the lady I mean Theresa May that wanted the role quit because she couldn’t do it! (Bless her sweet little soul for quitting a toxic job and getting some much needed self-care!)Also I feel bad for Sadiq Khan as I believe Londoners think he has more power than he actually does. Instead of making the big decisions he is making a lot of little decisions. It will be interesting to see the ripple effect from all of the tiny decisions. Sometimes I think he is too good for the city and people don’t like him as he is an easy target because he appears to be genuine. Just remember that Sadiq grew up in a poor family and look at how far he has come. If he has gotten this far in life then there isn’t an excuse for the rest of us. Boris Johnson was born in America which makes me laugh really hard at the situation.——————————————————————————–
I put this on a scheduled post but right now I am not even going to give it anymore time. I just wanted to feel English by going on a rant and not actually doing anything about it! I am a nobody after-all!‐——————————————————————I’ve been in Copenhagen, Denmark for the last few days. The people are so polite here it reminds me of being back in America. Everyone here smiles which is so refreshing. And they know how to go out and relax. I think they pay 50% to taxes and they have free healthcare as well as that is where a chunk of their tax money goes. Their public transport has been really nice as well. Not looking forward to go back to London. London as it is overcrowded and people are external rude and extremely mentally ill. London is even making me crazy dealing with all of its bullshit and double standards.

Hey Again!

Hey girl! I know we haven’t talked in a while. But I want you to know I haven’t forgotten about you. Every day I am hoping you are having a nice day and good things are happening. I hope you don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Because I haven’t. I am so proud of you. Remember you are enough and don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. Just make yourself happy because nobody makes it out of life alive.

Facing Fear – Revisiting the airport where I was sexually assaulted by security. (Stansted Airport)

So I am going to be going back to Stansted Airport where I was sexually assaulted by the security/TSA during a pat down. I’ve had so many times where I have bursted into tears since this has happened because of what I experienced. When I reported to the airport they didn’t really care. And when I lost my very sentimental hat because I was going through shock they didn’t even offer to replace it.

But I am facing my fear of going back there as I can’t let one bad person ruin my life. Since speaking up there have been a good amount of people that have said similar has happened to them. And not just at airports but by security at concerts as well.

I have been sexually assaulted as a kid and even raped. The amount of trauma this airport visit has caused me has been extremely intense. Not only did I cry after security throughout the airport and the entire flight. It ruined my vacation wwhich was meant to be a happy time. It caused me problems at my job. It caused me problems in my marriage. And it still causes me a great amount of PTSD!

I truly believe the airport security needs to find better ways to handle these situations. I find it unacceptable for staff to be unprofessional during these searches and abuse their power. The problem is the airport will always deny that their employees have done anything wrong to keep them from getting sued.

Less than 24 hours until I have to face my fear. I will update when I feel safe enough to do so.

Okay so we missed our alarm clock this morning

The race to the airport was on and trying to escape Notting Hill Carnival!

We arrived at the airport and luckily enough a nice man signed off on my boarding pass as I am not EU and need a stupid check.

Our fast pass wait time was less than 5 minutes. Then the scary moment happened the beeper went off. I didn’t even wear a belt! I question the lady and she said it beeps to do a random checks not because of metal or anything that set it off.

I got scared as I went to the other line as last time I was sexually assaulted. But they did a scan and didn’t touch me. Because what I learned from last time is when I was quiet they didn’t care. So you better believe this time I would be screaming if it happened again.

But apparently my mini bottle of body spray needed to be scanned. There was more staff at the airport and they seemed friendlier.

This experience was a lot better than last year. I am so glad I was not assaulted this time.

……

Upon my return to UK my entry was fast. American electronic passports can now be scanned at the gate. It felt nice not having to show my Visa and get my fingerprints done. Maybe we can think Sparkle Markle for this for hor marriage to royalty! Just kidding!

We must go on, despite all of our setbacks!

Everything might not be going according to plan but I am not going to let it eat me from the inside and turn me into a monster. 6 months ago I left a toxic job where I would sit at my desk wanting to kill myself as I did not feel important or valued there because I was promised much more than they ever delivered. And when my uncle passed away it made perfect sense to be with my family in a time of need than to be around people that never really supported me.

Sometimes I feel like I was that bad person for leaving but in the role I was in you can hire someone instantly for that role. Sometimes I hope that person doesn’t give a shit about the role so they can see how they were missing someone that was hard working and wanted to contribute in so many ways. But after all they sold me a lie and only wanted to fill a role.

I honestly haven’t been looking for a new role. I decided I would give myself a break from strangers putting the pressure on me. Before that I forced myself to work 1 month after starting chemotherapy. My doctors told me I couldn’t work but I forced myself to work because I thought not working and not contributing to my family was looked down upon. So when I was going through hell I made myself work 10-12 hour shifts in a hell hole. Again it was an extremely toxic environment and my boss joked that she thought I did heroin because of my arm being bruised from needles and not understanding the needles were for all my blood tests to monitor my chemotherapy. But some people must be so proud of their kids who bully people right?

I’ve had this break to be able to get myself right. I don’t think I have actually worked in a safe environment. Everywhere I have worked has been extremely toxic. I always wondered if it was just me that felt this or if other people felt like it too. It is nice I didn’t throw myself into another toxic environment right away.

I need to remember what I know about myself. I am usually one of the first people to arrive at a company. There are people who run 20 minutes late everyday and they get away with it. I always wondered why they don’t just wake up a little bit earlier and get a train before. But that is not my problem that is there problem. I usually like to arrive early because I like to get a jump start on my day. I like to get caught up on things before everyone else is there and try to read as many emails as I can before my official start time. Maybe I should ignore this paragraph for now.. lol

Let me try again. So I know that I am punctual. I know I research my tasks and see it through to the end. But I also like to get people’s opinions on it in-case they look at it from a different view from myself so I can clearly explain myself even better. I try my best to be positive because I know any given number of people can be going through hell but we might not know it. After my mom died I went through so much hell. I didn’t talk to many people that entire year. The following year I was as nice as I could be to everyone and greeted everyone with a smile. The reason being was because the year I suffered some people gave up after a few days, some a few months and some actually made it through to me a lot longer after. The people that didn’t give up so easily and tried longer to get through to me and be there for me are the ones that really helped to change me. I am thankful for their kindness during the most difficult time of my life. And something so little as them acknowledging my existence during that time really spoke to me later in life. So be that bright spark for other people but my problem with this is I would always go way out of my way and beyond to help people that they felt smothered. So I’ve learned to not smother people with care anymore. Maybe this paragraph doesn’t work either. O well.

Anyways, moving on from that. I don’t need to prove myself to strangers. I only need to prove myself to my very own self. Nobody has lived my exact life so nobody knows exactly what I have been through. They have only the understanding of what they went through and how they felt in similar situations that have happened to them. For the first 31 and a half years of my life I was focused on other people. Now that I am 32 I am going to stop focusing on other people so much as they have never been able to do for me as what I have done for them. So I need to take all that love I was giving away freely to people who didn’t appreciate it and start giving myself that love and praise.

There are people on both ends of the spectrum and all up through it. There are people that are kind and would do anything for others and then there are people who take advantage of others and will do anything to get ahead. It is sad when people on the two opposite ends get together. I used to think it was so the good one could help the bad one change. I need to spend less time thinking about these things and start shifting towards what is best for myself within reason.

My dream job in college was to be a CEO of a company. I realized people were really bad at making decisions. Especially highly calculative ones. A lot of people don’t want to upset people so they will just do what everyone else is doing and let someone else decide and tell them. It was never anything I would have thought was unreachable. I work hard, I take in a lot of information, I listen to people and I try to make solutions based on the evidence presented.

But for now I am going to focus on myself. I am going to concentrate on what bring me joy to my life. Blogging is something I love to do but I never expected to make money from it. I just wanted to share my thoughts with the world. I wanted people to know that they are not alone with whatever they are going through. I wanted people to know that yes I suffer from a lot of things but I keep going on and trying to live my life. I want to be relatable to people because I don’t feel that people are being honest these days. People only want to post the positives on social media where I want to post the positive and the bad. Maybe if people know that I have been through hell it can help them understand my good days and lucky I am to have those good days and my experiences. Just because we suffer and go through hell doesn’t mean we deserve to have shit lives, we can go on and have fun and be happy too.

Here is something funny for you. In college I took a few religious classes. And in one we had to pick if Genesis 1 or Genesis 2 happened. I was the only person in the class that wrote that they both happened. This took my professor by surprise as everyone would automatically say they thought only Genesis 2 happened. A few years later I had a friend publish a book where he wrote that they had both happened to. I wish I knew his view when I wrote my paper as we had a debate about it in class and people thought I was crazy for my view. But I also tried to explain to the class about time. I tried to say what existed before the Big Bang and exists after. I tried to say what is the only thing we have to measure an experiment in every experiment. I tried to explain to them that this is time. But I think only my professor was the one to have a clue what I was on about. My ideas were often to big and too bold for the average person taking religious classes. So he really liked when I gave my opinions as maybe they were off of the normal track as most people but he saw a glimpse of where it was coming from. So the funny thing about this is I have been watching the German show Dark. And in this show they have the whole bit about time being God. So I just found it so interesting that how I was thought to be crazy with this idea in college yet it has ended up in a very popular TV show.

Alright I have been sidetracked for a bit on this. But sometimes I just want to open up for people to understand a piece of my mind. Or do I mean it is so I can understand myself better. Life can be however you decide to look at it. If you think negative and the world is bad then that will consume you, but if you think the world is positive and people are good than you will be like a positive little butterfly making some ripples! Your life is up to you to decide how you want to live it and the person you will become. People are going to tell you how you should live your life based on how they would live it. Most people live in fear of failure. But if you want something in this world you can have it. You just have to work hard enough. And that is what it comes down to is whether or not you are willing to put in the work. Don’t make excuses for something you want, those are your obstacles to overcome by actually grinding and putting in the work.

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At this point I am interested in who I will be in another 6 months. But also extremely interested in the person I currently am. How I have changed and how I will continue to change.

What sets my soul on fire to change the world and make it a better place is different than what I had thought 6 months ago.

The smallest things can change your life and make it better so just a reminder to myself to remember that. One person that I can say hi to everyday might just be the answer to a new opportunity for me or for you.

When I come back from my holiday I plan on networking more. Some people are left in our past only for us to move on with our future.

Sometimes we must make difficult decisions with what we can experience so we can evolve as people and break the cycles we get trapped in and consumed by. If I feel like I am living in the matrix by having a routine life than I change something about it. Some people can have the same routine for 10 years and not have a problem with it, but I am not one of those people, are you?

Life is short so do what makes you happy if it is done with good intention. Don’t worry about what other people think as that is going to hold you back in the end. Be your own best friend and your own biggest supported. It is more than okay to put yourself first and value yourself. You are worthy of that. I often feel like we try to get approval from everyone else when it is approval of yourself that matters the most.

I am just going to let this post float out there for now. I am unsure if this is more for me or more for you at this point. But maybe we are all one and the same.
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Here is the link for anyone that was interest in reading my friend’s book. You can buy it from the link below.

The World That Then Was: Understanding the Genesis creation account