I’m going to be real with you… Asking for help is brave!

I am going to be real with you. My life has never been easy! I was sexually assaulted as a kid by the boys in the neighborhood. I kept it in and didn’t speak about it because I was afraid they would kill me if I even spoke up about it. So I always tried to hold everything in and then people would wonder why I would just burst.

I mean the signs were there. I was questioned at times about what was happening. But I lied because as a kid I feared for my life to come forward. All of the other boys were bigger than me. When I was older I only went to the police about one of them. I never came forward about all of the other boys. But I decided not to press charges as I didn’t want to ruin this persons life like they all did to me. Maybe I should have come forward with all of the names but I didn’t.

And because I came forward about the one person I feel this person has done everything under the sun to make me feel like I am the crazy one. Never accepting what he did was wrong and never apologizing to me and everyone involved. He is just delusional and lies about it saying I made it up for attention and that I am crazy.

Well maybe I am crazy because of what was done to me. And being female I obviously don’t have a voice. I don’t matter in this world. I will never be anything or do anything with my life. I had so much as a spunk as a kid in so many situations. But this situation has always scared the shit out of me and it still does.

I have now been married for 6 years and I am terrified to even be romantic with my partner. I still get flashbacks from my childhood of everything that happens. When people ask me why I don’t have kids yet.. I can’t even explain to them everything I have been through. I just have to try to shrug off the question as I don’t want to have to drag them into my drama about my past.

Most of these people that hurt me have kids themselves. And it kills me to think how they are raising their kids with what they did as kids themselves. Like where did they learn this stuff from. Did something happen to them as well so then they did it to me? I just don’t understand where other kids learned sexual things from to try it out and force it on me. It is disgusting. And I thought I could brush it off for so long.

But then when I finally came out about it I did feel supported about it. Other women told me it happened to them too. But as I look back there were times I spoke up about it. But the thing is when I did it continued to happen and I think that is why I stopped talking about it. As I spoke up, it still happened so I felt like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. So much pain it caused me.

If I wasn’t sexually assaulted as a small kid I am sure I would have done better in school. I would have so many flashbacks in school and I couldn’t concentrate to learn. There were police officers that would come to our school and talk to the class but I never had the guts to speak to them. I had a friend come forward when I was in 6th grade about something that happened to her. But after seeing how it was dealt with I felt like I could never come forward as it felt like she was the one that was punished and not the person that hurt her.

I was proud of her for coming forward and getting help. But I realized it happened to a lot of girls in our school district. And everyone that came forward it was always her that everyone talked about. Made to feel like such an outsider nobody ever mentioned the guys.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my life over. But, this is something we can’t do. We can only continue on with our lives. So if someone wants to tell me that I am crazy than go for it. But please understand why people are trying to put these labels on me. Why are they doing everything in their power to make me seem like I am the bad one when I was the one that was the victim. Because speaking up means you have power and you have a voice. And they are scared for their own reputation.

There was one time my neighbors pulled my pants down in the woods. I ran back to my house screaming and crying. And that time my dad took me to the neighbors to explain what happened. The parents made their kid apologize but they beat that kid so hard. I could hear him cry and being hit from my house. I felt glad he got punished but I felt bad that me speaking up caused him pain.

But the one that seems to get away with calling me names is the one that was never properly punished. He’s been able to get away with accepting what he did. He was never punished by his parents.

Since leaving America I can say I haven’t been sexually assaulted. I feel more empowered being away from an environment where that was happening to so many young girls. Those kids from my childhood weren’t the only ones that sexually assaulted me. I was also assaulted in university. But this was because after my mom died I started drinking to cope with all of the pain. I would drink my life away because I was sexually assaulted as a kid, bullied a lot and went through losing a parent at a young age.

To the young girls and women out there. Please stand up for yourselves. If it gets ignored keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. You are important and you are valued. You can change it. You can try to go on like it didn’t happen but eventually it will catch up with you and it will break you. Stand up for yourself and speak up. Get out of the situation. You deserve a safe upbringing where you aren’t harmed and you are loved and valued. Don’t ever think you don’t matter because you do. You are everything.

You need to empower yourself so you can inspire others around you. You never know who is going through sexual assault or went through it. Speak up and stand together. Be there for each-other and help each-other through it. Life can get better and you can change the situation around. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if they don’t listen ask again. And don’t just ask one person. If your parents don’t listen ask a teacher or a doctor. Just keep asking for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help during these situations is not cowardly it is bravery! Never be afraid to be brave.

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My freshman year of high school my English teacher had us read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really connected with this book and this teacher became my hero just having us read it. I was glad she wasn’t afraid to overlook what we could be going through and had us read it. I will never forget reading this book and watching the movie in her class. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I could get help if I would only just to Speak up.
Click to buy. ~~> Speak

 

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Durdle Door

Durdle Door wins my heart! I feel I have seen a lot of England but haven’t been impressed by too much of it other than the lake district. But Durdle Door won my heart this weekend!

It was a 3 hour drive from central-west London. Traffic wasn’t too bad either as we set off early! So glad I didn’t go to Brighton Beach like usual!

If you plan to visit Durdle Door it is well worth it! First of all you will be walking 20 minutes to get to the beach down a kind of steep hill. (Remember you have to walk up this when you leave!) So make sure you wear comfy shoes for the hike! You can pack other shoes for the beach! I took my water shoes and they definitely helped with walking on the little rocks/ pebbles!

Make sure you use the toilet at the top before you go down! Just try to go even if you don’t have to go! Best to empty your tank before this journey!

Pack a backpack with food and drinks! We made sandwiches and froze water bottles the night before! And if it is going to be nice weather take sunscreen! I will tell you hardly anyone used it and they all look like lobsters now! So glad I had mine with me!

When you walk down the path splits. So you get a choice of two beaches. Both with different views that are absolutely stunning!

I felt like I was at a beach in a different country! I definitely didn’t feel like I was in England anymore! It was absolutely beautiful!!!

I really liked that it was more of a family beach too. There weren’t people getting extremely wasted that can’t handle their alcohol acting up and causing problems! So this is something I really appreciated!

I hope you enjoy the photos I took!

Love yourself!

Sometimes you have to learn to stand up for yourself and walk away from a toxic situation or people. I have so much love to give to the world and if people aren’t 100% for me well then just get out of my way or I will walk around you.

I know I am kind, funny, dedicated, and a really hard worker. But most of all I am extremely caring. I want everyone around me to know they are loved, I support them and that I only want to help them succeed.

I am going to keep being a passionate person. I am going to keep being kind and smiling at everyone. I like to give out compliments like confetti. People need to hear positivity!

I know so many people struggle with battles every single day that the world knows nothing about. Not their family or friends and they bottle it up inside for so many reasons. And I want to be the one that says that’s okay. I’ve had moments like that and I have come out the other side. So you can too, you just need someone to be patient with you until you are ready. And sometimes that is a very long time.

I always try to put others before myself. One day hopefully all of my good deeds will catch up with me. Is it bad to say I am destined for more.

One day I will be given enough respect I give others. One day people will actually listen to me speak without interrupting me and cutting me off and understand everything fully I have to say. And I think that is what I am looking forward to. To be able to share my visions and be respected. Then I will really love the life I live.